Pornville

Porn, as we scholars of its gay variant know, takes place in an airtight universe too buff, too abundantly endowed, too strangely convenient to ever be described as parallel.

Pizza boys arrive with hardons. Plumbers are as fit as musclemen. And when the young doctor ask you to drop trou, he drops his.

Here the locker rooms are oddly silent and empty … except for HIM! HIM has, of all things, the locker right above yours and a painfully erect whopper that keeps bumping into your face.

Welcome to Pornville. That Land That Never Was and yet can never die thanks to those old eight-millimeter reels that laid down the rules and regulations for all time. Rules like …

Well, finding a stranger asleep in your barn (your barn?) He is naked, of course, totally — except for one odd little hayseedy type thing: he’s wearing a studded cockring. That and giganzo chrome studs through his nipples, cockhead and perineum.

This, you think, must cause a sensation when Hayseed goes through the machines at the airport. But, of course, there aren’t any airports in Pornville. Only barns, locker rooms and embarrassingly queer-looking bedrooms decorated to within an inch of their silly High-Auntie lives.

In those Arcadian days before the internet and the spycam decentralized the biz, the capital of Pornville was Hollywood.

Not the usual Hollywood of Lights, Camera, Action but a secondary, off-kilter nightworld. The Hollywood of boys getting off the Greyhound bus with nothing in their jeans but bulging confidence and a winning strut.

Boys who found their way to Santa Monica Boulevard at rush hour when it became a market place of naked chests and tousled hair, and here on the three dozen blocks that comprised the corridor between Paramount Studios and Beverly Hills, they took their shirts off and stuck their thumbs out, and anything else they could stick out to show off their massive talent, convinced that this, surely, was the best way to attract a movie producer.

Which, as it turned out, it was.

The casting couch, rather than a route to a career, became in its many porn-clip iterations the entire on-screen career itself.