How to Talk to Your Child
About the Next Gay G.O.P. Sex Scandal

In the wake of the next gay Republican sex scandal, your child will have many questions. They will hear things at school and from the television that will trouble them. You can save them a lot of confusion if you speak to them now during this brief respite between arrests and indiscretions.

Sit your child down in a safe and non-threatening space — a beautiful hillside gold with autumn leaves will do — and then in a calm, reassuring voice touch on the following points:

1. When Two Men Fall in Love …

When two men fall in love, little Johnny or Jane, they sometimes meet in men’s rooms and, entering the last two stalls at the farthest end of the lavatory so they won’t bother anyone or be bothered, they enjoy the warmth of each other’s company.

When one of these men is not really in love but is a policemen whose job it is to prevent the sharing of warmth and good feeling between two men, then the other man is arrested. This is called entrapment, and though it has questionable legality, they do this in places run by our friends the Republicans.

Now you’re wondering why Republicans who love the Constitution so much would want to do something not quite in keeping with the Bill of Rights. Republicans, you see, hate taxes. They hate taxes so much that they have no money to pay the Fireman and the Policeman and the Mailman. So they entrap people and say they will put their names in the newspaper unless the people pay them money. And those fines go to run the city and light the streetlamps and fix the roads.

And that’s why Dad can afford to send you to a nice school and pay the doctor out of his own pocket and still drive an SUV. It’s all good, little one. The two men who fall in love in the bathroom are part of God’s plan because God loves all the children and wants the mail to be delivered.

2. What is a Gay Republican, Daddy?

Gay Republicans are one of the strangest mysteries in the universe, little Johnny, lovely Jane. And scientists are not quite sure why they exist.

You know that comedian that Daddy likes, Bill Maher? He was on that talk show with the funny-looking guy in the suspenders. And the funny-looking guy — Larry King — was surprised to hear that Ken Mehlman* was secretly gay because Ken Mehlman was one of these big Republican Committee people in charge of getting other Republicans elected and helping to scare voters about gay men sharing warmth and good feelings with each other in a civil marriage and not just in bathrooms. At first Larry didn’t believe it and he asked Bill how that could be, a Republican being a gay man, and ol’ Bill shot right back : “Because Larry, hating yourself is the greatest love of all.” That’s the closest to a scientific theory I ever heard, Sunshine.

Most gay Republicans are in the closet, which means they don’t want anyone to know they’re gay.

Those are the ones you will read about in the newspapers because they will be the ones who get caught doing things in public places that they have tried to make crimes in private places.

They believe to be a gay person in public — what they call out — is a sin and they’re always very worked up about sending other people to hell for what they call the homosexual lifestyle. So when they fall out of the closet into the public spotlight, they get hit with their own laws and judgments, and they get hit harder than most folks. Crazy, huh?

3. What is the Difference Between A Gay Republican
Who is In the Closet and One Who is Out?

No difference whatsoever, Pumpkin.