How to Talk to Your Child
About the Next Gay G.O.P. Sex Scandal

4. Can a Gay Republican Be Married to a Lady?

Yes, and most gay Republicans are!

Do you know how you sometimes play make-believe? Well, gay Republicans play make-believe all their lives. They have make- believe wives and they have best friends that are often more than friends.

They wear little flag pins and carry little prayer books on the way in and out of church. They love this country and would defend her too if they didn’t have other priorities and got five draft deferments so they could stay in college. But they support the troops, they call them our brave men and women and wipe a tear from their eye when they think of them.

They just don’t support them enough to raise taxes and buy them good armor or safe vehicles or hospital after-care when they come back all shot up and screwed up in their heads from extended tours of duty Fighting for Freedom, which the gay Republicans would love to do also … but, well, it’s those darn other priorities. Like running businesses that make big profits from keeping the war going. But Patriotism and God and the Family — those are the things they love and believe in and vote for … but you know, Johnny, you know, Jane, a lot of that is make-believe too.

5. Is There Any Cure for Their Lifestyle?

Many people claim there are reparative therapies. Some say that a full-hearted acceptance of Jesus will work the miracle. But the medical community takes a dim view of this and says these efforts tend to damage people. The gay Republican seems to be born that way. Republicanism may be a sort of misfiring family gene, passed blindly from one generation to another. There is no known cure for it.

6. Why do Gay Republicans Have Sex in Bathrooms?

Because they want to meet married men — other married men like themselves, who aren’t gay but are. Then they can flash their wedding rings to each other under the stall and that gets them all warm and happy inside and the warmth is ready to pour out if they can find a hole in the wall, or one of them is young enough to slip part of himself under the stall without breaking his hip. It’s a love jones, sweet child.

Gay Republicans go to bathrooms because they want to meet a real man and not a gay one who might want to get married and adopt mixed-race children with them. And the funny thing is most of the men they meet in the bathroom are gay men! But everybody pretends they’re not because if they didn’t they might start asking themselves questions and doubting their lives and want to live in the open outside of the bathroom.

And that would be very bad, Johnny or Jane. Do you know why? Because then they might think they were citizens and had the right to live with each other with full civil rights and then they’d get married, and their gay marriage would hurt all the other Mommies and Daddies, especially the Mommies married to gay Republicans.

So the next time you see one of those huffy gay Republicans getting arrested and being made to do the perp walk on television, be joyful. If Republicans didn’t have gay sex in bathrooms, Santa wouldn’t be able to find our house anymore and the Mailman would stop delivering the mail.

*Ken Melhman was still in the closet when this article was published in 2007. As the head of the Republican National Committee, he worked to get anti-gay Republicans elected. He has since apologized to the gay community.